Plaggle the Purple is dead. Upon the due notification, Plamer and Halmer Ltd have been authorised to receive the deceased’s effects for the purpose of settling their estate, its credits, and its debits. After review of the estate and the actions arising from the deceased’s will, the following artifacts are thus scheduled for action on the 1st of the Month of Sun. The items listed herein were found in Paggle the Purple’s attic space, where it appears the wizard was hoarding minor magical artifacts. The piles were unorganised and the providence of most of the items is not discernible.
Lot 0A – Wand of Nasty Kisses – A small wand, 25 centimetres in length, made of maple with an azurite. This wand can carry up to 25 charges that, when invoked by the command word, send an illusion of a pair of lips towards the intended target. The illusion is almost impossible to avoid as they seek out the target’s lips to plant a kiss. This kiss is deeply unpleasant as it leaves a foul taste on the lips. The flavour appears to be random, but includes: vomit, stale smoke, sulphur, rotting fruit, ammonia, putrid fish, and sewage. Full testing of the wand has not been carried out as there has been no desire to. A collectors item for those interested in unpleasant party tricks or an item of research for its unerring accuracy.
Lot 4C – Cube of Gala Effingens – A small metal cube, approximately 10 centimetres along each side. The top surface is mildly malleable and can be deformed enough to be drawn on and then wiped clean. If the control runes on the sides of the cube are held, the cube will project and create a copy of what has been drawn out of fresh butter. The higher quality the drawing, the higher the detail of the butter object but it can be no larger than the cube. The cube also has a stored memory of objects that can be summoned by writing the object’s name onto the top side. No record exists of what objects the cube can summon. An absolute must if you’re into having an apparently infinite supply of butter. There is also significant potential as a drafting or artistic tool.
Lot 7A – Precision Secure Storage Box – On surface inspection the box appears to be made of a simple bronze but the weight distribution is incorrect for it to be completely and consistently made of this metal. The box has several sets of markings. On the top is a set of circles which when touched in sequence will open up a portal to the interior of the box. On the side are icons that indicate what is being stored in the box. However, the box comes with no instructions and the magical investigations team at Plamer and Halmer Ltd has of yet been unable to determine how to retrieve an object from the box. Tapping an icon brings the associated item into view via the portal but all attempts to remove the item have failed. The box seems to increase in size as items are stored in it and it is currently the size of a small boulder. Collectors of security history will find this an intriguing addition to the collections but they should be wary of adventurers seeking treasure from inside it.
Lot 12E – Kaolinite Sonic Transducer – A box made of kraggawood with a lid with steel hinges. The box is empty when the lid is open, but when the lid is closed, the box captures the last thirty seconds of sound that entered the box. The box then glows bright green as the sound is converted into an unfired clay representation of the sound. If the figurine is placed back inside the box and the lid is closed again, the box will glow bright blue and then convert the clay back into the original thirty seconds of sound. Any damage to the clay representation causes distortions and errors to the sound. The box is not limited to converting figurines it has produced into sound, though initial attempts by Plamer and Halmer Ltd have only produced glitchy screaming. A definitive example of sonic artistry, we recommend this item for sonic experimenters.
Lot 13A – An Ever Unfolding Ruler. The base of this wooden ruler is an oak section of 21.99114 cm, atop of which is a steel hinge that is free to slide along the ruler. When the hinge is slid to one end, the ruler can be unfolded to double its length. The hinge can then be slid again to the end and the ruler again unfolded to double its length. The hinge is always the same size and the ruler is always 7.0710167 cm wide and 2.71827812 mm thick, no matter how long it gets. Under testing, a length of 14 metres was achieved before we ran out of roof space to unfold it. The ruler doesn’t seem to break but it is only as stiff as untreated oak. There are no gradations on the ruler and any marks made on it are lost when it is folded up. The esoteric nature of the ruler’s dimensions point to a very specific purpose that the dedicated geomancer may be able to fathom.
Lot 13B – Anti-Sun Hat. An apparently normal wide brimmed straw hat, with a bright blue ribbon. When the ribbon is pulled, it changes to a pitch black colour and the volume directly beneath the hat is plunged into perfect and perpetual darkness. No light can enter or exit the darkened volume, leaving the wearer in complete darkness. The covert potential of this is somewhat limited as the enchantment appears to be powered by the sun and only works when the top of the hat is fully illuminated. The hat does not require a wearer to project its volume of darkness and tests have shown the darkness will extend up to 4 metre from the hat, no matter the direction the underside of the hat is pointed. The complete darkness is likely of interest to those wanting sudden privacy when out in the day time.
Lot 14F – Enchanted Toilet Brush – The shaft is made of copper and the bristles are treated beaver hair. When the brush is placed next to a toilet it does nothing when it is being observed. When left alone with a dirty toilet, it will clean the toilet and then itself to an exceptional standard and will also provide a slight scent of lavender. The issue at hand is that the brush doesn’t so much clean the toilet as teleport the dirt to another location. Plamer and Halmer realised this the unpleasant way when the filth was discovered at random locations around the premises. The range appears to be 15 metres but the direction is random. Recommended as a purchase for research purposes only.
Lot14G – An Enchanted Opinion Ledger – A large leather bound book measuring half a metre square when closed. The book contains a fully audited list of every negative opinion that has ever been said about Plaggle the Purple from their birth and appears to be keeping itself updated, as it is recording reactions to their death and to the auction of their effects. Each entry details who voiced the opinion, who heard it, and the location and time of the opinion. Tests have revealed the information to be accurate though it takes about an hour for the text in the ledger to fade into view. Plaggle the Purple was apparently annotating the ledger up until their death as many of the margins contain rebuttals and notes for petty revenges. This is one of the few items we can trace directly to Plaggle the Purple and will be of interest to many collectors of magical oddities.
Image Credit – Microcosm of London Plate 006 – Auction Room, Christie’s, Public Domain
